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Ever changing as it flows,
and the dreamer is just a vessel,
that must follow where it goes.”
I don’t know about anyone else, but for myself I am always happy to see April draw to a close. If there was one month of the year they could take away and I wouldn’t miss it, it would be the month of April.
April is sneaky. All blooms and bunnies. Easter, Passover, the rebirth of things with the hint of summer in the air (well, at least here in the South there is summer in the air). Behind all the sunshine though, there is rain. Terrible weather, tornado activity, surprise blizzards in the North. April sets tornado activity in my spirit, makes me feel restless, uprooted. By the end of the month I am in my own freak blizzard.
and never knowing whats in store.
Makes each day a constant battle,
just to stay between the shores.
April 22nd marks anniversary of my mom’s death in 1990 when I was 18. That day comes only a few days after the anniversary of a second trimester pregnancy loss and a few days before the anniversary of the first death I experienced of someone close to me, my grandfather, Papa (pronounced Paw Paw…what every good southern girl calls at least one grandfather) who died of cancer when I was 10. Even my sweet, precious Siberian Husky, Sir Anheuser of the Dakotas (Dakota) died in April.
I often refer to the time of these dates as ‘Hell Week’ because no matter how many years have passed, the riptide of grief rushes in to grab at me and pull me under with the current of sorrow and depression when these days come upon me again. Some years, I can reflect on the losses and not lose myself in mourning, other years, I am not so lucky.
till the river runs dry.
Like a bird upon the wind,
these waters are my sky.
I’ll never reach my destination
If i never try,
So I will sail my vessel,
till the river runs dry!”
It is hard to not be sad at times, and especially when you are struggling with issues already, these anniversaries can be the straw to break the camel’s back. Seeing as how my back feels broken lately, I really didn’t need many straws this time. I say this time because the anniversaries are over, the days have passed and we have moved into a new month. My time for sadness and letting myself grieve again for a few days have passed and it is time to pick myself up and move forward. Next year, the dates may come and I may be like in previous years and mourn for the loss but not get mired down in it. That is my hope, my wish, my plan.
and let the water slip away.
And what we put off till tomorrow,
has now become today.
So don’t you sit upon the shore line,
and say you’re satisfied.
Choose the chance to rapids,
and dare to dance the tides.”
So tonight, as the sun sets and I watch the bats begin their swooping over the yard in the search of mosquitoes, I am thankful for the days behind me as well as the days before me. Life is continuous. It ebbs, it flows, it goes on. Sometimes we need to allow ourselves to just sit in the moment of the tide we are caught in and ride it out, with the hope and faith that we won’t be carried under. Just keep treading, don’t give up. Soon we (me) will rejoin the open water and can swim on.
and I know I’ll take some falls,
but with the good Lord as my captain,
I can make it through them all!”
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