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Yesterday was the one year anniversary of when my adopted mom died from the disease of cancer. I have missed her every second of every minute for 365 days. I know that in time the pain will lessen, but so far a years time hasn’t done it.
I woke up this morning also missing my husband. I have been missing him for a long while, but the way I pine for him is different. He is my best friend, my partner, my protector. The person I have spent the past 20 years with, but who he really is has been gone for what seems like years, also claimed by a disease.
Addiction is a disease. Alcoholism is an addiction. Addiction is a disease.
My husband is an alcoholic. He recently hit rock bottom and is in long-term rehab. Thank God!! I have prayed for his wellness for years. YEARS! He finally reached his lowest low where he was able to really see his disease and the effect it has had on his life and the lives of the people who love him. He realized that only he could fix it and so he has committed to becoming well and whole. Finally. Finally!!
Addiction affects the whole family. It has affected this one.
His recovery will take time. It took time to get him to here, it will take time to get him out of it, too. It will also take us here at home time. To see that the behaviors were caused by disease and not a reflection of his feelings toward us. To seek counsel for ourselves, so that we may heal and be whole so that when the time comes for us to interact as a family again, we will be in the right place to do it in a healthy manner.
They say growth is what happens when you are out of your comfort zone, so I am thinking that this year we have grown exponentially in some ways, given the amount of ‘growing pains’ we have all experienced in 2016, I think each of us have ‘leveled up’ in the game of life. My husband is in a boss battle, our kids are all in various stages of experience building, and I seem to be repeating a few levels because I didn’t finish my mission.
I am in a place where I don’t know where we go from here. We can’t really focus on going anywhere until all parties are present and accounted for. Until all subjects of this life game can handle their own players and move on with the play. And so we sit in a holding pattern, until…just until.
So I continue to work on me. Focus on the kids. on my work. Church, friendships and relationships I have let suffer. Get back to blogging and maybe share some of that authentic ‘serious stuff’ I have been journaling this fall. It is my soul’s belief that many of my life hardships have happened so that I in turn can help someone through something similar. Many of us are affected by a loved one’s addiction (or other trials) and we have to work through those things in order for us to heal as well. If my experiences and how I got through it can help you or someone you know work through similar struggles, then it is all worth it.
I will admit I don’t always handle things the best. I get inside my head and sit there for a while with no visible outward movement. It is during these internal times though that God carries me through, until I can focus on the puzzle of the big picture again instead of that one small little spot with the missing pieces. Even if my steps are minuscule, I do try to always keep moving forward. Backwards is nowhere to be and sitting still is stagnation, so we all must KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!
For everyone asking if I am okay, the answer isn’t as simple. Am I okay? Not always, but I get there. I have faith and hope that everything works out the way it is supposed to. Always. We must walk through the valley of the shadow of death to get to the other side, or as the country song goes, “When you’re going through Hell, keep on movin!”
If you or someone you know is suffering from alcoholism, start here: https://www.aa.org/
or here for multiple addictions: https://www.addiction.com/